Attending the 12-step programs of AA and AlAnon have long been a gold standard for individual’s recovery from substance use and those who are in a relationship with someone in addiction recovery. The positive impact of having these kinds of communities where one can share anonymously as well as apply the 12-step principles has been well documented.
In our practice, we have found it helpful to explore even deeper recovery with two other 12-step inspired programs: Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) and Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA). Exploring the benefit of either or both these support programs can have a significant positive impact on couples in recovery.
Understanding Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)
Growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home, the child can create coping strategies for safety and security that leave them ill prepared to function in a long-lasting relationship. They struggle with boundaries, how to get their needs met as an adult, past trauma of emotional or physical abuse, and feelings of shame or blame.
Common Traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics
(adapted from “The Laundry List” (1978)
• Isolated; fear of others (especially authority figures), mistrust of others
• Seeking approval at the cost of identity loss, hiding feelings
• Fraught relationship with alcohol or other substances/compulsive, high-reward behaviors
• Strong feelings of martyrdom/attracted to weakness in personal relationships
• Tendency to become codependent; intense desire to people-please
• Fear of being abandoned; willing to do/put up with anything to maintain relationships
• Intense sense of disconnect with emotions; difficulty expressing yourself
• Low self-esteem; harshly judgmental of yourself; not worthy of love and respect
For more information and meeting lists, go to https://adultchildren.org
While ACA focuses on individual recovery and coping strategies, there are also valuable resources available for couples who wish to work on their relationship dynamics together.
One resource is Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA), a program specifically designed to help couples develop healthier communication and intimacy.
What is Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA)
The primary purpose of RCA is to help couples with the destructive patterns in their relationships and establish healthy communication skills, caring, intimacy, and freedom from childhood patterns.
This group has adapted the 12 steps of AA, although there is no organizational affiliation with AA. These free meetings are open to any couple. They do not intend to replace a couple’s sessions with their therapists, but rather seen as augmenting that work. The only requirement is the desire to remain committed to each other and work to develop new intimacy. Using the 12-step format participants share their experience, strength, and hope. It is therapeutic to learn that one is not alone in these struggles and using tools of the program, couples can learn to grow and take responsibility for the well-being of their relationship.
More information and meeting times can be found at recovering-couples.org
The bottom line for couples in recovery is growing to understand yourself better, and ultimately, bringing that knowledge to creating more joy and intimacy in your relationship. This is the most rewarding work you will ever engage in.