Most of us have heard of “IQ,” or Intelligence Quotient, which measures how smart we are. But equally—if not more—important for emotional well-being is “EQ,” or Emotional Intelligence. EQ helps guide our emotions and relationships. This concept was popularized by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence, and research since then has shown that EQ is crucial for our health and happiness.
The Building Blocks of Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is a skill we can learn and practice. Think of it as building blocks or stepping stones. At the base is self-awareness—understanding what’s happening inside us. This leads to emotional self-management, which helps us stay steady during life’s ups and downs. From there, we can move toward emotional self-direction, using our emotions to guide positive choices. Together, these steps build emotional wellness and resilience.
Self-Awareness
The first step to emotional well-being is recognizing our feelings. Without this, it’s hard to stay emotionally steady. Sometimes, emotions start as subtle signals in our body—a tightness in the chest, an uneasy feeling in the stomach, or a nagging thought that won’t go away.
When this happens, try slowing down and asking yourself: “What’s going on?” or “What am I feeling right now?” It’s okay if you don’t know the answer right away. Talking it out with someone can help. This is why sharing in a twelve-step meeting or “getting current” is so valuable—it provides a safe, non-judgmental space to process your emotions.
Self-Management
Self-management is about staying balanced, even during emotional highs and lows. Once you know how you’re feeling, you can begin managing those feelings so they don’t overwhelm you. Psychologists call this “emotional regulation,” which means keeping emotions in a range that allows you to function. It’s not about ignoring your feelings but making sure they don’t take over.
For example, if you’re feeling sad, it’s okay to cry or talk about it—but try not to let it keep you from living your life. If you’re excited, enjoy the moment without becoming so carried away that you lose focus.
Interestingly, self-management doesn’t mean doing it all on your own. Sometimes, we need the support of others to stay balanced, like a friend to listen or a meeting to ground us. Other times, we need solitude to rest or reflect. Wisdom in emotional management comes from knowing what you need in the moment.
Self-Direction
Once we understand and manage our emotions, we can use them to make intentional choices about how we live. This is emotional self-direction. It’s not about controlling everything but about using our emotions to guide us toward meaningful goals.
In recovery, this might look like turning your will over to a Higher Power, as described in the twelve steps. You consciously choose to let something greater than yourself guide your actions. This doesn’t mean giving up control—it means using self-awareness to align your choices with what matters most.
A Strong EQ Builds Positive Experiences
Research shows that positive relationships and experiences are the best buffers against stress and challenges. By building your EQ, you can create more of these moments. For instance:
- Strong self-awareness helps you communicate your needs in a healthy way.
- Good self-management allows you to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
- Clear self-direction gives you the focus to make decisions that lead to a better life.
When we work on our EQ, we can face life’s challenges with confidence and find joy in small, meaningful moments.
